When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
What kind of a cult is this?
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me: how are you
Friday: good
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later