*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
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“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”