Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
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A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
WTF
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.