Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
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You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
My time has come.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid