“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
You Might Also Like
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Admin smashed it 😂
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.