It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
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When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
haha same
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.