Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
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Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.