Added some new forms of payment to this store…
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One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
What
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*exercises sarcastically*
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay