What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
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boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
he looks great for his age
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.