My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
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Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
He wanted to make sure😂
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Does this dress make me look cat?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that