If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
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Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking