Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
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*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…