Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
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It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas