*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
my first day as a raccoon
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
can you read it!!??
maan!
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that