me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
You Might Also Like
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.