I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You Might Also Like
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Kids: Stay in school.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.