My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
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My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I’m calling the cops.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.