the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
You Might Also Like
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet