Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
You Might Also Like
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?