I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Still cracks me up
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Google Pay be like:
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!