Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
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How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
The devil.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.