That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.