If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
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Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again