I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
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My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
How software testing works
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”