You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
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Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.