I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
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My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I am all good here, 😂😉
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.