“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.