*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
You Might Also Like
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Aight bet
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.