Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
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Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My apartment is a mess, I should move
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”