DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*