COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*frowns in Scottish*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
This is a whole mood;
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.