There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
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GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Sorry not sorry.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
This has made my week.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”