My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
You Might Also Like
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while