Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
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There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
wtf is a larm clock?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
so much to do
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
#dnd #ttrpg
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.