Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
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snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!