Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Wait a second…
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Doormats are a gateway rug.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God