[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
i choose….tongue
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]