I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
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10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
The Friday File.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
vegan witches, happy halloween!
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.