If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
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A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.