You Might Also Like
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”