model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
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I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool