Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
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Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I triple waxed for this?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?