Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
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Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol