I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
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Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.