I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
*serious situation*
My brain:
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
In banana years, I am bread.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.