Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
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I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.