director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
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Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
me irl
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said