Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Going to church you guys need anything
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.