I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
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When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.