I’M CRYINGGG
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On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.